allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
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What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
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Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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