I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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