Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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