So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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