he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
