finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
