You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
In America we eat man semen.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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