But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
