I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
