he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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