I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You can't just leave with hair like that
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
