you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
