I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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