Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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