i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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