just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
