I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
