the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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