I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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