I wish I could teleport
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
honey bunches of taint.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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