Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
