I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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