There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Dear god my vagina.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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