May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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