We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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