We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
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