god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My room smells like vodka and shame
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
