evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
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I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
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My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
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