if i can run in heels then i can drive
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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