having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
