its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
