Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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