6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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