we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
