hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
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I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
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You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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