The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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