I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
