I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
