I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
