i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
