sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
