I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
