Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Drunk is not a location!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
