apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
