Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
