If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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