Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
