Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
