someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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