Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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