The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
