I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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